First Kiss
by AfewSentencesShortOfaParagraph
Summary: Written in Eli's point of view, it is the episode Still Fighting It- part 1. Enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**I do not own Degrassi, or the characters. You know the drill. **

**So, what was Eli thinking before his first kiss with Clare? Here is my take:**

I liked Clare way more than any friend is supposed to like another, that much was sure, but I was still at war with myself mentally about what to do about my feelings. On one hand, I had never felt this way about another person- not even Julia. But that was just the problem, wasn't it? I had royally screwed things up with Julia, and it had cost Julia her life, and I still wasn't really over that. So, it wouldn't be fair of me to pursue Clare when I couldn't give her everything she deserved, not to mention I could be putting her in danger. Clearly I was unstable; I had proved to myself that much. On the other hand, Clare was just so damn adorable- inside and out.

Good thing fate decided to intervene on my indecisive behalf.

"Okay, gentle people," Ms. Dawes started out one morning in English class, interrupting a flirty argument Clare and I were having, "We're going to be filming modernized scenes from Shakespeare. I want you to break into groups of three, and send a liaison to the front to pick up your film package." I smirked; I loved Shakespeare- the guy was classic, and I am a little old school. Not to mention, he was the world's first, and greatest, romantic. Factor in that Clare, Adam, and I would be a group, and I was pretty excited to tackle this assignment.

Just as I was thinking this Clare stood up, obviously going up to get the package for our group; that girl was always taking the initiative for our group projects. But I really wanted to contribute all I could to this project, starting by picking the perfect play. So, I got up and blocked Clare's way. "Don't worry about it, I got this one," I said confidently staring right into her bright, ice-blue eyes. I smiled, caught off guard as I often am by her beauty. A smile crept onto her face as well; she nodded, and sat down. I turned to join the line at the front of the room.

I just couldn't keep my eyes off her, glancing back at her as I moved forward in the line. She was talking to Adam about something I couldn't hear, but she was gesturing expressively with her hands. Just as I was wishing to myself that she was talking about me, she looked right at me, our eyes meeting for a brief moment. I looked away, embarrassed, but peaked back up at her through the corner of my eye; she was blushing, but continued to talk to Adam. I let a small smirk play on the edge of my lips. Maybe she actually was talking about me.

I had finally reached the front of the line, and Ms. Dawes gestured to the box full of Shakespeare's best works, and the cameras that were sitting next to the box.

"I'm sure your group will do wonderfully with this assignment," Ms. Dawes smiled I me. I nodded, and peered into the box. I was just reaching for A Midsummer Night's Dream when another play caught my eye: Romeo and Juliet. I glanced discreetly back at Clare. What if I could use Shakespeare's knack for romance to give Clare's and mine relationship a little push? I full blown smirk on my face now, I grabbed for the show and a camera. I was a genius! This was going to be perfect.

I approached Adam and Clare, but as soon as I was in earshot they stopped talking- definitely talking about me. I smiled, only more excited about our project now. "Guys, check it out," I said setting the camera down, "We get to act out Romeo and Juliet. How cool is that?" I looked at Adam, but my eyes landed on Clare, waiting for her approval. She got that excited gleam in her eye that I had begun to love, then she turned to Adam, gave him an excited smile before looking back to me, and nodding her approval. She looked almost as excited as I was to start in on this project.

We decided to reconvene for our lunch break since Clare and I were anxious to get started as soon as possible; as for Adam he didn't seem to mind either way because he knew he was more of a third party observer in this particular instance. I felt a pang of guilt for making Adam a third wheel, but quickly pushed it aside. We're friends, so it wasn't as if I wanted to alienate him like that, I was just a bit more focused on Clare these days as opposed to Adam's feelings.

Adam met Clare and me at our lockers, which were, luckily for me, right next to each other. "Where are we going to do this thing?" Adam asked us, as he hiked the bag with the tripod and camera equipment higher on his shoulder.

"I was thinking we could film it by the picnic tables that are on the green across from school. They don't get as much traffic as the ones that are located on the side of the school, so it will making for a quieter, better filming environment," Clare offered helpfully, smiling up at me. She had a good point; the more private, the better.

"That sounds like a great idea," I said smiling back at her, struck once again by the intensity in her deep blue eyes. She was too gorgeous for her own good. I had to restrain myself from leaning in right then to plant a kiss on her pink, awaiting lips.

"Yeah, great," Adam offered, clearing his throat. Whoops, it was so easy to lose the rest of the world when I was around Clare, but we had clearly made Adam uncomfortable. I saw Clare blush; ashamed as well. "Why don't we get going," Adam suggested, giving me a pointed look.

I grabbed the camera, Clare grabbed a blanket out of her locker so the table would be more comfortable while we did our death scene on it, and we headed across the street to the picnic tables.

"So," Clare started as we got closer to the tables, "obviously I'll play Juliet…which one of you wants to be Romeo?"

Before thinking, I jumped at the chance. "I will!" Then I mentally scolded myself: calm down, Goldsworthy. Be cool.

I heard Clare make a small 'hmm' noise as if to say 'I knew it.'

Come up with a save, quick, before you seem desperate… "On account that I'm pretty familiar with the material, and all," I said, making a face; that was lame, but it would have to do.

"Yeah," Adam started sarcastically, "what are you not the expert on?" He raised his eyebrows at me, calling my bluff. I quickly shot him a dirty look.

"Shall we rehearse?" I asked, directing my attention back to Clare, and gestured toward the picnic table where I set the camera down. Clare dropped the blanket on the table and sat down next t me.

"Okay. So," she said, "When Romeo finds Juliet pretending to be dead, he can't wait to start his new life with her…" She was gesturing excitedly with her hands again, an intriguing gleam in her eye as she outlined what we would be acting out very soon.

"And when it looks like she's really dead, he can't go on, and drinks the poison," I continued, equally excited that Clare and I would become Romeo and Juliet in just a few minutes. It was a shame we weren't assigned one of the scenes in which they kiss…

"But then," Clare was continuing, "Juliet wakes up, finds Romeo dead, and kills herself." She finished dramatically, mocking Juliet stabbing herself. I couldn't help myself. I chuckled. She was just so beautiful: the sun making her cinnamon colored hair glint, her ice-blue eyes watching me playfully, the way her dress fit her perfectly; accentuating her curves. And there was the smile that made my heart skip a beat every time; those lips.

Just then an idea struck me. I had to present it carefully, make sure Clare would be on board. "You'd think that Romeo would require a few minutes before the poison kicked in…" I started cautiously, catching Clare's gaze. Would she know where I was headed with this?

She locked eyes with me, a blush rising to her cheeks. She seemed almost flabbergasted that I was suggesting this, but she was, thankfully, playing along. "You make a valid point. He does die pretty hastily." She said, almost hesitantly, as if this wasn't really happening. "What if," she continued, as I smiled, "Juliet were to wake up, and find him alive for a brief moment…?" She trailed off, leaving me to make the actual suggestion.

My heart flip-flopped as I made my proposal. "They could share a final kiss." I raised my eyebrows, looking at her hopefully.

She seemed elated, an embarrassed smile playing on her lips. "Yeah, yeah I think that could work," she was clearly trying to subdue the excitement in her voice; she spoke barely above a whisper.

I looked away, amazed that it had worked. I was going to kiss Clare! I peeked up at her from under my eyelashes; she was watching me, the most adorable look on her face. My heart soared as I smiled back.

"That's cute," I heard Adam declare loudly, reminding us that he was still there too. Both Clare and I jumped just a bit, both lost in our own little world. "Let's get set up, shall we?" Adam said, clearly taking well to the roll of director.

Clare and I jumped up. She reached for the blanket, and spread it out on the table, while I ran back to the school to buy a coke that we would use as the poison. When I got back, Adam was rolling his eyes at Clare, who had taken her shoes off, and was perched and ready on the picnic table. Adam looked all set up as well, so I took my place next to Clare. We smiled timidly at each other one last time before Adam cleared his throat, signaling that it was time to get down to business.

"Okay," Adam started, "Clare, you lie down, and look dead. Eli, place your hand on her waist, look concerned. I don't think I have to tell the two of you to act like you're in love. I don't think you'll have any problems with that," he said the last part under his breath, but I still heard him. I smirked, and rolled my eyes at him. He just shook his head at me. "And, Action!" Adam called.

I placed my hand on Clare, and arranged my face to look concerned. It wasn't too hard to get into character; if Clare was dead I would be more upset than when Julia died. The thought hit me like an electric shock, but I mentally pushed it aside, and got in the moment. "Juliet," I started my line, "I will join you in the afterlife. Death come quickly so I can be with her ASAP." I lifted my hand off Clare and reached for the bottle of Coke, unscrewed the cap, and took a big swig.

Clare sat up, and delivered her line. "Romeo, you drank the poisonous high fructose Cola beverage, no!"

All I could see were those bright, blue eyes. I sincerely hoped I didn't have any lines I had to deliver next because all my senses were full of Clare; there wasn't room for anything else. I could hear her breath speed up as our eyes locked, and I leaned closer. I let my hands find her waist, and I wrapped my arms around her. I could smell her all around me- a fruity smell, mixed with the smell of her shampoo. I could inhale the sent all day. My eyes stayed locked on hers until our lips met, and all I could taste was Clare, too. I let my eyes close, losing myself in her.

Her lips were soft and warm as I first touched mine to hers; I swear my heart stopped beating. Our lips fit perfectly within one another's; moving in synchronization as if this was a familiar pattern for them. Clare's hands found their way to my hair and my neck, her fingers touching me right were my artery was; almost as if she was touching my heart. I deepened the kiss just a little before I remembered I had to die soon. I pulled away just slightly, and Clare let me slip out from under her hands. I did so with regret.

I landed on the table with a _thunk_, willing my heart to slow down just a little. I could still see the fireworks with my eyes closed. That was unlike anything I had ever experienced.

"Star crossed? Not for long," I heard Clare finish up the scene. I could tell she was out of breath too. I tried not to smirk while I pretended to be dead, but I was happy to hear the kiss had a strong effect on her as well. "I will see you in the afterlife, Romeo." I heard the _zing_ of our toy gun, and then Clare hit the table, too.

"And…cut." I heard Adam say. His tone was indecipherable. I had forgotten all about him again, I bet we made him all kinds of uncomfortable.

Clare and I both sat up, and locked eyes. "Should we do another take?" she asked nervously, but hopefully.

"Uhh…" I said stalling. I wanted to suggest we do 12 more takes more than anything in the world, but then I looked over at Adam. He just shrugged his shoulders, as if he didn't care, but I knew he didn't want to watch that again. Damn. "I think we got it." I complied, smiling at her. She sighed, but resigned. I knew how she felt. That was pure magic, and I hoped I would be kissing Clare again sometime soon.

**Thoughts? Should I continue with the episode, and/or do Still Fighting It- part 2? I'll leave you to decide; reviews are greatly appreciated. =)**


	2. Mixed Signals

**This is the rest of Still Fighting It-part 1 in Eli's point of view. If you didn't read my first part, while it's not really necessary to know is going on, you may want to check it out away. Thanks, and enjoy. =) :**

All I could think about as I walked home was that kiss and its repercussions. Did this make Clare and me a couple now? I mean it was for a school project, but it was also so much more than that. I hoped that she felt the way I did; it sure seemed that way when we were kissing.

When I got home I tried to avoid my room as much as possible. I really didn't like going in it, and besides, there was barely any room for me in there anyway. So, I walked into the kitchen where my mom, Cece, was making dinner.

"Want some help?" I offered, halfheartedly. It wasn't like I really wanted to hang around cooking, but I didn't have homework, and I was trying to cut down on video games.

"Sure," my mom replied cheerfully. "You can cut up some tomatoes for the salad." My mom knew why I was here helping, and not in my room, so she over compensated by being overly energetic. Normally that would bug me, but I found it easy to occupy myself with thoughts of Clare and our first kiss as I chopped up the tomatoes, and then some cucumbers, just to prolong my time in the kitchen.

Of course, I couldn't avoid my room forever, so after dinner I disarmed the padlock, and crept in, turning on my light. My room was an overload to the senses, my eyes never knowing what to settle on first; there was just too much stuff, but I could never throw any of it out. If I did I just knew something horrible would happen, so I was damned to live in this personal hell I had created myself.

I navigated the carefully constructed pathway I have made to my bed, and flopped down on it after shoving off some papers, and various other items. I rarely slept anymore; how could I in this mess? I let my mind wander, and it wandered right to Clare. I was thinking about her far too much lately. It was unhealthy; probably for the both of us.

I was struck with the grim realization of my last thought. This was unhealthy; mostly for Clare. Sitting in this room just reiterated the fact that I was no good for her, and probably never would be. I couldn't make Clare go through caring about me just to get hurt. So, I had to break her heart now, when we weren't in deep enough for it to really hurt.

This thought made my head pound, my heart squeeze uncomfortably, and my stomach to plummet. '_I'm doing this for Clare_,' I reminded myself, and that was enough to make me stick to my decision once and for all: tomorrow I would start distancing myself from the one person who had been able to make me feel good after Julia died. That decided, I pushed all the thoughts out of my mind, and concentrated really hard on not thinking anything at all.

The next morning I stood outside of English class where Clare and Adam couldn't see me, but I could see, and hear, them perfectly.

"…Eli and I finally took that next step," I heard Clare chirp happily. My heart flopped at her words. They made me happy in a way I couldn't describe, but I still had to break her heart. She certainly wasn't going to make this easy.

"It's official," I heard Adam reply somberly; "I'm a third wheel."

"Oh, pish posh, Adam," Clare said confidently. "That's just silly."

'_Time to intervene_,' I thought to myself, and walked into the class. I slipped into my seat, not even acknowledging Clare as she greeted me. "Morning, Eli," She was all smiles. I couldn't do this…but I had to. So, I stared straight ahead, trying not to think about the girl behind me. '_From now on, that's all she is, just some girl who sits behind me in English_,' I lied to myself.

"You alright?" Clare asked, concerned.

"Never better," I slipped out quickly; the less words, the better. If I allowed myself to say more than a few words to her, or look her in the eye, I would surely lose all my will power.

Except Clare seemed determined to make that happen- I felt her lean forward to whisper in my ear. Her warm breath tickled my ear and neck as she spoke. "Once were done editing the assignment La Strata's showing at The Select; Fellini's finest. What do you think?" she asked, still trying to get through to me. Her close proximity was about to drive me insane, so I responded only by leaning forward. I was so tempted to say yes to her, but all I had to do was keep on my poker face. I had perfected it over the last year.

I heard Clare lean over to Adam and quietly ask, "Do I smell or something?" The disappointment in her voice was nearly palpable. I was such an ass.

"No, you're good," I heard Adam say to her- if she only knew how tempting she actually smelled. "What happened?" I heard him ask her. I suppose I should clue Adam in later, at least partially clue him in, on why I was acting like a pariah.

"I don't know," Clare sounded so hurt I almost turned around to attempt to comfort her. But I clenched my fists on top of my desk, and focused straight ahead instead. This was going to be more difficult than I had imagined.

Later that night I called Adam. "Hello?" he answered

"Hey, dude, what's up?" I asked trying to keep it light before I threw the weight of my past n him like a bunch of bricks.

"So, what, you decided to be friendly again?" I guess I deserved that. "What the hell was with you today!" Adam demanded.

"I want to explain," I started, "you just have to give me a chance. I have my reasons, but it's not exactly a pretty story, man. Do you think you can handle it?"

"Cryptic," Adam said sarcastically. "Of course I can handle it, but it's not really me you owe an explanation to- it's Clare."

He made a valid point, but there was no way I could let Clare in like that. It would mess her up for sure; no doubt about it, she would get hurt in the end. "I'm not really at liberty to explain things to Clare right now."

"Okaaayyyy…" Adam said, clearly waiting to hear this brilliant explanation.

"It all started with a fight last year," I sighed; I did not like telling this story, but I trusted Adam, so I soldiered on. "I had this girlfriend. Her name was Julia, and she was my everything at the time, but she was also kind of feisty. We would argue a lot, but it was usually nothing serious. One night, though, I took it too far. She was having trouble at home; her stepmom and she never got along, and that was all I would ever hear about. I had gone through a particularly rough day before the night of our fight- I was dealing with some bullies ten times worse than Fitz, and they had cornered me, and beat me up. I had picked up Julia looking for some comfort, or an escape, but what I got was more complaints about how her life sucked. I just exploded; telling her how she was no fun to be around anymore, and the lasting thing I wanted to hear about was how her life sucked. Of course, I was pissed, so add a couple 'fucks' in there, and it was not a pretty picture. She stormed out of my car, and got hit by a car. She died on impact. And I'm still pretty messed up about it. I really just don't want to bring Clare down with me," I finished.

All I heard was silence on the other end of the line. "Adam?" I asked cautiously. "Are you still with me?"

"Sorry, that was just…intense," he finished.

"Yeah," I sighed, "but you have to promise me that you will not mention any of this to Clare. She would probably think I was worth her time still, even though I'm just a waste of it."

"I don't completely agree with that, dude, but yeah, I'll keep quiet," Adam promised.

"Thanks," I said earnestly. "I'm lucky to have a friend like you." I told him, smiling.

"Yeah, you are," Adam complied, chuckling.

The next morning on the way to Degrassi Morty started acting up. "Crap," I said under my breath. I pulled into a parking space, and pulled out my emergency repair kit, which included a radio. Good thing I had picked today to be early. I turned on the radio, and got to work checking out Morty's fine tuning.

About ten minutes later I heard a bike approach, and then Clare popped up in the window. "Thanks for returning my calls," she started, each word dripping with sarcasm. "Can we talk?" she asked.

I was caught off guard. I wasn't expecting her to approach me at all for a while, and it was especially unexpected that she was sneaking up on me early in the morning like this. So, the best response I could come up with was, "No thank you," I said each word with equal malice, but made sure she couldn't see my face, which was still sad that she was so upset. '_Poker face, now!_' I warned myself mentally.

I slipped out of the hearse, and went to examine under the hood. Not surprising, Clare followed. "Well, it's happening," She said angrily, turning off my music. The silence was deafening. "Okay, the other day, that wasn't just a kiss for the film. There's something between us, Eli, and you know it."

My heart beat faster at her words, but I plastered a defiant look on my face. "You're wrong," I stated. The words burned my throat on their way out; they were just so false. I couldn't bear to look her in the eyes.

"I'm not stupid," she asserted. I really didn't want to be mean to her, but if she kept on, I was going to have to cut her down. Hard. I hurt to just think about how much I was letting her down. "Either you like me," she continued, "or you're a sociopath who likes to jerk people around, and hurt them. And I know it's not the latter."

She said the last part with such confidence it almost killed me to think about what I had to do next. I made sure my face was stable; arranged in a hard mask, a finally leveled her with my death stare. She stared back, shocked to see my face so harsh. "Or is it?" She asked quietly.

"I'm sorry I lead you on," I said matter-of-factly. I saw the pain and embarrassment fill her eyes before she pushed those emotions aside, and settled on angry.

"Wow," she snapped at me, and walked quickly back to her bike, shot me one more quick, furious look, and then stalked off as fast as she could. I deflated a little after she had walked away completely.

I was such a jerk. Why was I always hurting the people I care about most?

**For those of you who care: soon to come- Still Fighting It- Part 2, Eli's point of view. Thanks for reading. Reviews welcome. Also, any thoughts on things that would make it better? More enjoyable to read? I aim to please you. =) **


	3. Second Thoughts

**I still do not own Degrassi, or anything that relates to it. I decided to break Still Fighting It- Part 2 into two parts, just like I did with Still Fighting It- Part 1, because I have a tendency to write an excessive amount- if you haven't noticed. **

**Without further ado, here is the first part of Still Fighting It- Part 2. Enjoy! =) :**

After hurting Clare's feelings like I did, sitting though English that day was excruciating, and I avoided her the rest of the day. I could tell she was pissed, and needed her space, but it was slowly killing me to have her so mad at me. '_This is what I wanted to happen_,' I reminded myself, even though that wasn't technically true. I didn't want to hurt Clare, but I also didn't want to cut her out of my life completely. Either way, it seemed like I couldn't have one without the other. So be it; I could move on just fine.

But just for good measure I decided I wouldn't go to class tomorrow. Adam and Clare could handle turning in our assignment; they didn't need me there for that. So the next morning I stumbled out of bed, and put my acting skills to work, groaning all the way to my parent's bedroom. The door was closed, so I called out as pitifully as I could, "Mooom, I need you to call Degrassi and tell them I'm not feeling well, so I won't be in school."

My mom swiftly opened the door. "What's wrong, baby boy?" She asked, concerned.

"I feel like shit," I croaked. Because my mom was pretty gullible she sent me right back to bed, and I heard her call up the school. I smirked as I heard her tell Principal Simpson that I wouldn't be making it to school that day; piece of cake.

My mom hovered the rest of the day, checking up on me every five minutes or so, and bringing me tea. It was sweet, and I probably should have appreciated it, but considering I wasn't actually sick I would have preferred to be left alone to think and sulk.

Right before lunch time came around I'd had enough; I needed to get out of the house and away from my mother's suffocation. Besides, I had gotten a text from Adam around the time we had English saying that our project needed to be fixed because Clare made some modifications. I had no clue what that meant, but considering how pissed she was at me, the possibilities were endless. I sent him a text back telling him I was on my way.

I arrived at school just in time for French, the class I had before lunch. Adam, who was in the class with me, and sat next to me, mouthed, "Where were you?" to me as I slipped into my seat. I just shook my head, not really wanting to get into the details right then.

I tried to focus on French, I really did, but my mind kept wandering to how, in a mere 40 minutes, I could be having lunch with Clare. We had the same lunch period, and usually ate together, but I had to find out what to do with myself instead. It wasn't like she would want to eat with me anyway.

By the time class was over I had come up with an idea on how I would be spending my lunch, and it wouldn't be alone.

"Adam!" I called, intercepting him before he could get to his locker. I dragged him to mine, instead, and pulled a plastic bag out. "Guess what I scored last night." I smiled at him.

"I don't know," Adam said, eyeing the bag suspiciously. "What?"

"The newest Goon," I said excitedly. "Want to read them during lunch?" I asked, handing him the limited edition I had picked up for him specifically. "For you," I added, as he took the comic out of my hands.

"Seriously?" Adam asked in disbelief.

I nodded, and grabbed my lunch out of my locker. "We can read them and eat at the same time…at your locker," I added the last part quietly, glancing quickly at Clare's locker, knowing he would catch on to what I was up to with this suggestion.

"You know, you can't avoid her forever," Adam said pointedly looking at Clare's locker.

"But I can try," I said, only half joking. Adam just rolled his eyes, but agreed to eat lunch with me at his locker.

Unfortunately, The Goon was not as great of a distraction as I had hoped it would be. I was on page five, and it was getting more ridiculous with every thought bubble. "This new issue of The Goon in preposterous," I complained out loud.

Adam looked up. "I prefer the Chinatown Saga- where they reveal the secret behind his horribly scarred face."

I narrowed my eyes; he had better not be alluding to anything. But I played along anyway, "You would," I scoffed.

Adam put down his comic, "Clare wants to know what's up with all the mystery," he said abashedly. So, he was alluding to exactly what I had figured. I glared at him. He backtracked, "I didn't say anything; I wouldn't do that. But you should," he said sheepishly.

I really didn't want to have this conversation, so I decided to be blunt. "She doesn't need to know," I said defiantly. However, the fact that Adam and Clare had been talking about me did please me in a twisted sort of way. I shouldn't be happy because she was still trying to understand why I had turned cold all of a sudden, but it meant she was still interested in me, and I liked that. Damn, I was in deep shit.

"Can't you just tell her," Adam pleaded. "The girl is dying." I looked up from my comic, and gave a puzzled, somewhat angry look to Adam. Was that supposed to be some kind of twisted joke? Adam realized his mistake. "O-okay," he stuttered, "she's just really hurting."

I thought we had talked about this before? Apparently I had not been clear enough with my intentions when I told Adam I didn't want Clare to get hurt because of my past. "And I'm trying to prevent her from hurting even worse later," I reminded him.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Adam asked, confused.

I sighed. Apparently I didn't make it clear enough to Adam that I couldn't put Clare in the position of caring about me too much. I was dangerous, and I hurt people, and I did not want that happening to Clare. She was just too good of a person; I don't think I would be able to live with myself if I ever let anything happen to her. "I'm mean to her, I know," I started, "I'm trying to distance myself." I emphasized this as much as possible, trying to make him understand. "I don't want to take her down this road," I added quietly.

"If there is any girl who could handle it, it's Clare. And you know it," Adam pointed out heatedly.

He made a valid point, but if there was any girl who didn't deserve to have to handle it, it was Clare as well. She was just such a good person, and I cared about her too much for her own good. I just couldn't control my emotions when I was around her. She was so beautiful, and fun to be around. When she wasn't with me I felt like part of the sun was missing; she just lit up my world. I shook these thoughts from my head. I was not going to get over her if I kept thinking about her like that. But then again, I guess I wasn't sure if I really wanted to get over her. '_Damnit, Eli, stop it_,' I scolded myself.

I decided to try to explain to Adam why Clare caring about me was a bad thing for her. "When I'm around her…all I can think about is getting her to kiss me," I said, and truer words had never been spoken. My breath still sped up, and my heart beat in an irregular pattern, whenever I thought about the kiss we had shared. I wanted so badly to share more with her. But… "It doesn't end well for me," I reminded him, leveling him with the most authoritative look I could muster. I wished he would just drop it. I was already having second thoughts about breaking myself off from Clare. I didn't need him to make it harder for me; Clare was doing a good job of that herself.

Adam looked down, ashamed that he had pushed me too far, but he tried one more time. "Eli…"

"Just shut up, and read your comic," I said, ending the conversation.

Thankfully he listened, and picked his comic back up, flipping through it again. The last minutes of lunch passed by awkwardly until the bell rang.

"I'm skipping last period," I told Adam as we stood up and threw away the remains of our lunches. "I'll probably just go home. Whatever you do, don't tell Clare about what we talked about, okay?"

Adam shook his head, clearly not happy that I was still avoiding Clare, but promised to keep quiet.

I spent the duration of the next couple classes I actually attended thinking about what Adam had said to me. '_If there is any girl who could handle it, it's Clare_' kept running through my mind. It was such a tempting, not to mention true, sentiment. Clare was, among other endearing qualities, a very strong girl. If I let her in, she would not only be able to handle it, but she may be able to help. On the other hand, I didn't want to risk hurting her. Why must this be so complicated?

I walked out to Morty before the last period started, and climbed in, but didn't start him. I could still stay- see Clare after school. I sighed. Until I was absolutely sure about how I was going to proceed with Clare's and my relationship, I shouldn't see her; couldn't see her. My will power would diminish for sure, and I had already sent her enough mixed signals.

One thing was for sure: I was no longer convinced that keeping my distance was the best course of action for both Clare and me. In fact, so far, it had proven to be the worst. So what in the world was I going to do now?

**Thoughts? Comments? I'll have the second part of Still Fighting It- Part 2 up soon because writing is like crack to me. I truly hope you guys are enjoying the reading as much as I enjoy writing it. Also, thank you very much for reading. =) **


	4. The End

***Insert disclaimer here* **

**Are you guys ready for the last part of Still Fighting It- Part 2! You had better be, because here it is! Enjoy. =D **

I drove Morty home with the radio on full blast- trying to drown out my thoughts. There was just so much confusion and contradiction in my head I couldn't take it. I was about to explode. My conversation earlier with Adam had made my thoughts of Clare, which I had been able to repress for the last 12 hours, come all flooding back. When I arrived home, I parked Morty in the grass, and bounded into the house.

"Hello?" I called, checking to see if my mom was still home. I heard no reply, so I assumed she was out running errands or something. Fine with me; I had hoped the house was empty anyway so I could be alone with my thoughts. Now that I was home, I was going to take this time to figure out how I wanted to handle this with Clare. Just as I was thinking that, I heard a knock on the door.

'_Who the hell could that be_,' I thought to myself. We didn't really get visitors often, so I walked to the door, curiosity getting the better of me, and swung it open. This left me face to face with…Clare?

My heart skipped a beat seeing her there, but then I realized she shouldn't know where I live. So how did she find out? There was only one person who would have know, and told her. "Damnit, Adam," I said out loud. He had promised. "You found me," I surrendered. "Congratulations." She was standing in front of me with a look of hurt on her face due to my still-defensive demeanor. I wanted to reach out and hug her, tell her I was sorry. But I couldn't do that just yet- I needed to hear why she had come here in the first place; then make a hasty decision that would determine the future of our relationship.

Having her so close to me was messing with my logic already; I needed distance between us. So, I walked down the steps, and leaned against Morty, giving her a pointed look. '_I'm all ears_,' I thought to myself.

"You can stop avoiding me now," Clare started glumly "I've taken the hint."

And yet she was here, at my house. Somehow it didn't seem like she had taken the hint at all. I couldn't bring myself to be upset about that, though. "Then why are you here?" I asked her out loud.

She sighed. I waited anxiously for her answer. What if she had come here to tell me goodbye? I had repeatedly told myself that I would want that for her, if it came down to that, but the thought of not having Clare in my life twisted my stomach.

"I need to know," she started hesitantly, walking closer to me, "why you don't like me if we're going to be friends."

My first reaction was a sigh of relief- she didn't want to cut me out of her life. Then I realized that she was admitting out loud, to me, for the first time that she had feelings for me. My heart swelled at the idea. Then, her request caught up with me. I couldn't tell Clare why I don't like her because I did. Far too much for her own good. I wish I could tell her that without explaining the reasons behind it. So instead of answering her, I deflected, "Clare, come on," I plead.

"If you can't tell me that," she said desperately, "then I don't think I can be around you anymore."

I deflated at her words. She sounded so miserable saying it; almost as miserable as I felt thinking about my life without her in it. Then again, "Maybe that's for the best," I told her honestly, but I let the disappointment creep into my voice.

"Then we've wasted each other's time," Clare said, annoyed and upset that I was still being so mysterious. She walked over to her bike; about to get on.

But I just couldn't let her go. "Wait!" I called desperately. Decision time had arrived, and I had to think things through very quickly. Clare was being very persistent in her attempt to get through to me. That had to count for something. In fact, it showed she cared about me in the same magnitude I cared about her. Not to mention, she had taken a major leap of faith showing up at my house. Maybe it was time I did the same. "Leave your bike here," I said, deciding it was time to tell Clare all about my past. She deserved to know, and I would let her make the final decision; determine if I was worth all the risk…or not.

"Why?" Clare asked, masking her hurt with indignance.

I sighed. "I think it's time we went for a drive." She gave me a confused look, but I just pushed off Morty, and walked over to the driver's side. Thankfully, Clare moved her bike out of the way; then climbed into Morty's passenger seat.

"A drive to where?" Clare asked, still confused and angry.

"I'll explain when we get there," I told her sadly. It wasn't a long drive from my house to the site of Julia's and my fight, only about five minutes from my house. Clare and I sat in silence for the duration of the drive. I knew the route well; I had traveled it a lot right after Julia died, probably visiting this spot more than her grave because it was the last place I saw her alive, and the one place where, if I could go back in time, I could make everything different. Driving to the scene of the fight always made me nervous and sad- it was like I was reliving the moments every time I came back. I could feel Clare shooting me confused, worried glances every few seconds, but I just couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye. I was afraid of what she might see in mine.

Finally, I slipped Morty in park, but I didn't start my story; I couldn't. I was overwhelmed for a moment.

Obviously, Clare was still on the defense because she broke the silence after a few short seconds with a snide remark. "Oh, I get it," she started, sarcasm dripping heavily from her words, "this is the part where you, uh, ditch me, and I have to find my own way back home because this is going to be the funniest joke ever. You're messed, Eli."

'_If only you knew_,' I thought darkly to myself. "You're right," I started, staring straight ahead, "I am." Then I allowed myself to look her in the eyes. I saw my agreement sink in, and her ice-blue eyes, only made brighter by the blouse she was wearing, fill with concern. I knew my eyes were only filled with pain. This was the one place in the world that was worse than my room. "I can't just be friends with you, Clare," I started my explanation. That was true, and if I was admitting it to myself, these past two days had only proved that statement. Instead of breaking off our relationship, I had only made my feelings for her more pronounced. There was no going back now. "I like you too much," I told her sadly. "But I can't be with you; I don't deserve to!" That was truer even. I didn't deserve someone as sweet, pure, and good as Clare- at least not at the moment, when I was still so plagued by my past. Clare deserved to know about that.

So, I started my solemn tale. "This is where I killed my girlfriend."

"E-ex-CUSE me!" Clare stuttered, sounding concerned, and more than a little scared. Whoops. I should probably have clarified that I did not kill her myself, as in I was the one to murder her, rather, I simply hold myself responsible.

So, I continued on with the story, knowing Clare would understand soon what I meant by that. "Last year," I began to clarify. "We had a fight. It got messy; I said things I shouldn't have. She was really upset. Took off on her bike in the night- got hit by a car.

"I am so sorry," Clare whispered. Funny thing was I could tell she was sorry; genuinely sorry that I had gone through that. Why hadn't I told her sooner? Of course Clare would understand- she was Clare, and she was amazing.

So I continued, letting Clare in deeper. "Just like that, the closest person in my life was gone. Because of me," I whispered the last part, feeling the weight of my words crush me.

"I had no idea," Clare sounded so concerned, and upset, but I took solace in the fact that she was no longer upset because I was shutting her out.

"It's not fair," I told Clare. I was responsible for someone's death. Julia would never get to experience a lot of things because of me. I looked Clare in the eyes as I speculated out loud, "Why should I get to be happy?" She looked back, and I could feel her trying to comfort me with her eyes. At least now she understood that I liked her. A lot. She was not the problem; I was because I had to forgive myself before I could be with Clare. That is if she still wanted to be with me after the time it took for me to figure all this out.

I sighed and put the car in gear, slowly pulling away from the curb. After a couple minutes of sitting in silence I figured I had given Clare enough time to absorb and process. "I'm sorry for dumping that on you," I told her. And I was; I never liked telling people my story because it was a lot to handle. I knew from experience. "I just wanted you to know," I continued, "that I had my reasons for keeping you out like that. It wasn't fair to you though, and I won't do it again. I need you in my life, even if it's just as a friend."

Clare nodded as I pulled in next to my house, parking Morty. Neither Clare nor I moved; we just stared at each other for a moment. "Thank you," Clare said finally, "for telling me everything." She touched my arm lightly. "You can always tell me anything," Clare said with fierce earnestness. "I'm not going anywhere." A smile played on the edge of her lips.

I nodded, and smiled back. I really should have come to that conclusion sooner.

We both slipped out of Morty, and Clare headed to her bike. "My parents are probably wondering where I am," she said. "I had better get home."

"Wait," I said, remembering something, "Adam mentioned to me that Ms. Dawes didn't accept our English project…What did you do to it?" I asked, smirking.

"I may have altered the ending just a tad," Clare said sheepishly. "Juliet may have chosen life over death because she didn't want to waste the risk on Romeo…," Clare smiled at me, "but that was this morning. Since then, Juliet has realized that Romeo is definitely still worth the risk."

I nodded, pleased. "I'm glad Juliet has come to her senses."

With that, Clare hopped on her bike, waved, and took off toward her house. I went back inside, smiling to myself. True, our relationship wasn't perfect, but I had finally realized it was worth fighting for. Then again, all things are.

XXX

The next morning before school started Clare, Adam, and I went to Ms. Dawes with our finished assignment. This time it had the right ending.

"Let's watch it, shall we?" Ms. Dawes asked us after we had given her the copy. We all nodded, and crowded around her laptop. I watched as the scene before us unraveled, blushing a little when it cut to a close up of Clare's and my first kiss. I looked at Clare to find that she was looking right back at me. We both blushed, and shared an embarrassed smile. It was a little weird watching myself kiss Clare, but you could also feel our chemistry even though it wasn't in person. I nudged her with my elbow a little and she playfully nudged back. It felt so good to be on god terms with her again; I had missed her a lot.

As the scene came to a close Ms. Dawes clapped. "Well done," She told us smiling, "Some very committed performances." She winked at Clare. Huh, I wondered what that was about.

Ms. Dawes walked out of the room, and Clare turned to me. "I still wish we could change the ending," She sighed wistfully.

"What? You mean that mess you tried to hand it- Juliet gives up on Romeo?" I asked incredulously, but playfully.

"No," Clare shot back, and then looked at me, her expression soft, and her eyes full of compassion. "In this version Juliet gives Romeo some time." I smiled. I would never find anyone that equated to Clare. She was just too good to be true.

"You know," Adam said, laying his hand on my shoulder, "I can't help but notice that we're on speaking terms again." He seemed very happy about the fact that Clare and I were talking again. "What happened yesterday?" he asked curiously.

Clare shot me a look. She obviously wasn't sure what Adam knew, and if it was okay to say anything. "Nothing," she said, flustered.

I patted him on the back. "I told her about Julia," I clued him in.

"Thank God," Adam said, relieved, "I didn't know how much longer I could keep that a secret."

"Huh," Clare huffed, crossing her arms, and giving Adam a pointed look. Adam quickly left the room, leaving me and Clare alone.

I took a step closer to her, and looked down into those ice-blue eyes. "Your idea for that new ending," I told her, "I like it."

"Me too," She said quietly, a small smile on her lips.

We stood there smiling at each other and I realized that getting over Julia's death would take a shorter time than I expected now that Clare knew about it. There was just something infinitely special about Clare, and I was happy to say that I was falling in love with her. I could stay trapped in this moment with Clare forever, and that was just as long as we might have together: a whole forever.

**So sad that I'm done with this episode, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop! I need your input- I was thinking about going back to Better Off Alone- parts 1& 2, and writing that in Eli's perspective. What do you think? Also, if I did this episode, only in Clare POV, would you read it, or is that overkill? Let me know what you think. =)**


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